In honor of April Fool's Day, I thought I'd share some of the more outlandish query strings that have dropped people on my doorstep...
about dead planet with footnotes
I'll be glad to tell you all about the dead planet — but you'll have to come up with your own footnotes.
Trust me — you don't want to know the horrible truth about the Brainosaur. Just imagine the stupidest thing ever, and rest assured that the Brainosaur is about ten times stupider than that. Honest. But if you really must know, try digging up a copy of Strange Tales #138.
captain america viper kills viper
It's tragic events like this that led to the formation of the Serpent Society. Sidewinder's sacred law — "Snake shall not kill snake!"
clip art human bust line
You don't need clip art for that — it's basically just a shallow "w." Good luck getting aroused by it, though.
comic word flick
Just find another word. Really. It's not pretty.
comics with powers from hell
I'm pretty sure Patton Oswalt's made a deal with the devil — how else can you explain his success? — but I don't think he got any actual superpowers out of it. Sorry.
drawings from sexy comics featuring characters having sex
I'm with you, man. There's nothing worse than those prosaic, matter-of-fact comics featuring characters having sex. "Well, Martha, I suppose we'd better get this over with..."
embarrassed naked comics
Then again, maybe some people are turned on by shame.
end times callbacks
"Sorry, but you're not quite the apocalypse we're looking for."
fastest way of suicide
suicide fastest way
Look, if you really want to commit suicide, just go and do it. By the time you find what you're looking for on the Internet, you'll have talked yourself out of it. So stop wasting my time.
flaming skull coloring pages
Perhaps we should talk about what's appropriate for children.
fantasy artwork naked female warrior
frank cho tits
Well, at least you're upfront about your desires.
good lord (choke)
how strong is the mightiest ants
I believe they have the proportionate strength of Spider-Man.
Even though my hot, Peruvian rhythms are well-known, no one has yet to call me "the Incan Satan." I was once called "an Aztec lord" by Texas Monthly magazine, though.
is there a story about a purple dinosaur in a tree
Yes. I believe it's part of John Updike's "Rabbit" trilogy, but I can't remember which one. Better read them all, just to be sure!
jack daniels brushes photoshop
I'm intrigued by the concept of a Jack Daniels brush, whatever that might be. I could probably stand to have a fifth or two for my studio.
just like the real thing only smaller
Try ertltoys.com. I'm glad they're still in business, but I'm somewhat disturbed to see that they now offer 1:10 scale replicas of the Orange County Choppers guys.
pick up chicks carnegie mellon
The easiest way to pick up chicks at Carnegie Mellon is to transfer to a school where there are actually girls.
70's naked girl in tree
I'm pretty sure this guy is looking for vintage porn, and not geriatric porn.
naked old perth women
naked women duct taped
pictures of girls age 15 or younger wrapped in duct tape
pics of white girls age 15 or younger wrapped naked in duct tape
That's a really interesting fetish you've got there. You sit there and tell me about it while I call the authorities. (Give this guy credit for refining his search, though — he wasn't going to be satisfied with pictures of clothed black girls wrapped in duct tape!)
beautiful naked girl corpse
pictures of very pretty dead ladies
Go away. Now.
snuff hang killer dead
naked male package
naked men exhibiting themselves pics
What worries me is that these search terms brought people to my site.
men with female genitalia
They're not really men anymore, then, are they?
plato and the image of the beastmaster
I remember when he teamed up with Aristotle to fight Pythagoras, but I'm pretty sure I missed this episode...
beastmaster pregnant women footage
I don't even know where to begin.
pop culture steve ditko's package
Why are you so obsessed with Steve Ditko's package?
steve ditko stalker
That explains everything.
Roll 4d12 and consult table A-35: Snarky Responses.
robbot man:japanese inventions
show the figure of robbot
sketch of robbot drawing
It takes a special type of stupidity to misspell a fairly simple word like "robot" three times in a row.
the raft: armadillo u-foes
I can understand wanting to know who the Avengers were fighting in New Avengers #1-3 — but I find it hard to imagine that there's an Armadillo fan out there somewhere. I mean, other than me.
where to buy artifical dinosaurs eyes
Look — people are going to be so impressed by your dinosaur that I bet most of them won't even notice that it only has one eye!
wolverine naked drawings
Why does no one ever search for naked pictures of Mesmero or the Toad?
worst comic strips blog
Guess what — you found it!